Emerald Repard-Denniston

kill joy, amatuer watch dog

I am stuck in the sky and planted on the ground

half way sunken place

bunjee jumping

sucking on a strawberry popsicle

stumbling upon a statue of Buddha

I step in a puddle

my right sock gets wet

she's been haunting me in my dreams.

My eye twitch has come back

we fucked while watching Surfs Up

I’m alone back packing throughout Japan

My body is close

so close to it

I will transcend

The clock has ticked to 10 am

I need to start the day

The Deers are telling me something

The green glow from the parking garage sign

wants me to remember my point of departure

My sister has been living in Whistler the past year and a half

We chill when we see each other in person

She’s an October Libra born in the Year of the Goat

I miss her every day I live.

Yaeji dropped her new album, “With a Hammer" in April.

I was in Taiwan at the time

Her first song in the album “Submerge"

is one of the songs that I've been playing on repeat this summer

The first verse dips in and out of English to Korean

Translated it reads

“Is only what you hear, what you can believe?

Even if you can't hear it, you can believe it in your heart and show it with your actions.

Why do we stay faithful to reality and not dream?!”

Isn’t it what we dream that we should believe?

I can see myself and you and yourself

and me and we’re all a part of one.”

Bella has been having vivid dreams like me

She told about one of her reoccurring dreams

Her and her friends were in a car, it crashed, they stopped

on a bridge, got out and looked at what had happened

Her friend takes out a metal stake and stabs her

Bella falls off the bridge

They end up in the water,

she starts braiding her friends hair,

Treading in the water, barely breathing

When Bella and I were growing up

I would dream about her almost every other night

taking my things, breaking my belongings

“Stop Bella! It’s mine, it’s mine! give it back!”

I haven’t had a dream about Bella in a while

I paint our bodies to actualize our bodies in the world

I am solidifying our presence

I saw 2 little girls, sisters, in the park

They had matching outfits on

Reminisced when mei mei and I were that age

Our parents dressed us

A photograph of two angels

Bella was adopted in the Sichuan province of China

I was in the Hunan province, picked up 3 years before

Our bodies still feel it

everyday

It runs through us

Of grief of mourning

Bargaining stage

Abandoned

A scurred reality of obliviousness

Guessing game

Fill in the blank

Past lives

I feel tethered to her

Brought on this rock to be beside her bones, breathing

No blood, just bumps and bruises

Yuanfen

I’ve watched her grow up as she has watched me

Mimicking my movements

Syncing our words, our mannerisms

Nurturing nature

Yaej'is new album talks about rage

processing her own rage and anger through her indie techno expressions

She talks about the anger she has held for her younger self

Bella and I are learning how to love ourselves, still

I believe too that every dream is meaningful

No matter how non sensical it seems or how little of it we remember

I think dream elements are symbolic and have private meanings

Our souls feel lonesome at times

our souls have had other souls breathe through us before

Reincarnated

We simultaneously live another life

little lost alley cats

Dropped off at a doorstep

set on a path of precarity

A fate that none of us are really in control of

On holes

I'd pick my nose and my Dad would say

“Your digging a hole to China!"'

This stuck with me

I’m digging a big fat hole to China.

Hole as

Rabbit hole, Alice

Erotic hole, booty

Fishing hole, ice

Black hole, invisible

Worm hole, hypothetical

Hole as portal

Hole as tunnel

Hole to sunken

On mother

It is believed that the human brain

is incapable of "creating" a new face

Every person you dream of has been someone you have either known personally

or merely coming across on your friends Instagram photos

I haven’t ever dreamt about my birth mother

If this fact rings true

I'll never be able to meet her in a dream

Bella does not want to meet her birth mother

even if she had the opportunity.

she says,

"I'd love to go to a resturaunt and sit next to my birth family

to know what they look like, I wouldn't want to meet or talk with them."

On Haunting

She follows me

Her eyes are green, blue and brown

She perches out a window staring through another

She floats on top of glass mirrored water

1 tab of acid

She sits on a dock of a bay

Casting her rode catching salmon

She picks ripe strawberries from a field

she drinks 2 to 3 glasses of red wine with dinner

She turns on the TV

Tunes out the noise of the city

Her bird bites me

She feels most alive by the coast

Favourite colour blue

Irish Wolf Hound

Howls at the moon hanging brightly in front of her face

Waxing Crescent

Linger by the Cranberries

1 pre rolled hybrid J for the road

Last Quarter

222

Falls asleep reading Bluets

Notes on Notes

Quote on Dreams by Maurice Blanchot

“We cannot recall our dreams, they cannot come back to us.

If a dream comes - but what sort of coming is a dream's?

Through what night does it make its way?

If it comes to us, it does so only by way of forgetfulness,

a forgetfulness which is not only censorship or simply repression.

We dream without memory, in such a way that the dream of any particular night is no doubt a fragment of a response to an immemorial dying, barred by desire's repetitiousness.”

Note on A Burning Hill by Mitski

“And I am the fire, and I am the forest and I am witness watching it,

I stand in a valley watching it and you're not there at all.”

I observe this from the outside

My love is not with me anymore

I have no more control over the past

I find solace

The void has become all encompassing for the past 365 days

tormented and taunted

Quote on Past Lives by Celine Song

“I know that when she was walking home, she has to cry, but she's not crying for the whole of the film.

So this is the moment she’s alone for the first time almost in the film.

And she is able to allow herself to grieve like that.

That walk is about the grief for the little girl that she never got to grieve.”

Notes on Episode 11: Mitski with Molly by Star Girl

There is this Liminal space of teenage girl hood

The trope of a teenage girl has this aesthetic of suburbia, longing, yearning

In Japanese media culture she holds a shadowy energy

she ebodies this liminal space between life and death

death of childhood, birth of something else

Mitski is inevitably wanting a hearth

It is unobtainable in her lyrics

Seeking this impossible rest

On Grand Unified Theory of Female Pain by Leslie Jamison.

"We crucify ourselves so we can sing about it.”

Define dissonance

"an inharmonious sound or "disagreement, incongruity”

"Pain is the unending glue and pre requisite of

female consciousness.”

Bluets by Maggie Nelson

164. I do not know the reason for this blue pussy,

meant to convey both divine bewilderment and revelation

But I do feel that it’s color is right.

For blue has no mind. It is not wise, nor does it promise any wisdom

It is beautiful, and despite what the poets and philosophers and theologians have said,

I think beauty neither obscures truth nor reveals it

Likewise, it leads neither toward justice nor away from it

It is pharmakon

It radiates

Notes on "What is the Sunken Place" by Now See It

Jordan Peel describing that feeling of your falling in a dream and you catch yourself...

What if you don’t catch yourself?

Someone in the “sunken place" describes any disadvantaged person

unwilling and unable to acknowledge the systemic issues affecting them

A feeling of the voiceless

A psychological phenomamon of people not having a voice.

Sunken place as place

a place that visualizes this universal feeling of being stuck

the feeling of wanting to make noise to feel grounded

but instead being trapped in a headspace that keeps you suspended in air

In a nightmare like state trapped in a perpetual state of

wish fulfillment

"Wish fulfillment”' is the satisfying of unconscious desires in dreams

wish fulfillment is happening to help therapize our traumas

Sunken place is a visual representation of something we have all felt

The disrupter of our own narrative, the loss of understanding

our entrapment in a past with no escape

The need to repeat an a experience what is repressed instead of as the physician would prefer to see them

recollecting it as a fragment of the past

"'Unclaimed experience" is what trauma is

A past event that hasn't yet been incorporated into a reliable narrative,

Оnе that hasn't been claimed

leaving behind an event that is not fully understood

and re enters through uncontrollable flashbacks

Escaping the sunken place is just as important as the

Sunken place itself

Instead of wish fulfilment or being in a state of denial

waking up allows the dreamer to acknowledge the truth of their trauma or bear witness to it

Be My Angel, Mazzy Star

They say it's me, that makes you do things, you might not have done, If I was away

And that's it's me, that likes to talk to you and watches you, as you walk away

Don't say it's useless, don't say forget it

Don't bring me wishes, of silly dreams

Just say it's all, from too much freedom, too many fingers, and to anything

They say it's you, that washes the weary and brings the night into the day

If you won't notice, how can I show you all of you worries, have all gone away

Don't leave me lonely, don't leave me unhappy, just bring me up into your fate

If you don't need me, then don't deceive me, letting my freedom turn into stone

Just be my angel, if you love me

Be my angel, in the night

Be my angel, 'cause you need me

Be my angel, and treat me right

Don't say you love me, If you don't need me

Don't send me roses, on your behalf

Just take me down, and walk through your river

Down the middle, and make it last

Holding on to you, holding on to me, holding on tight,

'Till my love is crossed

Don't say it's useless, and don't say forget it

You are my spirit,

Now you are gone